Dripping River Water

Love

there is some light October 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 2:59 pm
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Everything is coming together. i am feeling lighter. There are less days that I am dragging a heavy bag around from house to house. I am at Danica’s. My friend who over the years has become my cousin. The one who lived around the corner from me, right across Prospect Park. There was a time that we spent everyday together. Days at GLSEN working, nights drinking wine at each other’s places. This feels like home.

The other half of the time I am spending time at Saul’s. Friend turned cousin over the years. There, the space is light, sun shine comes in and turtles follow me around while I get dressed.
My family has expanded over the years. Friends who I have known for years or even just a few have become sisters, brothers, cousins, all my loves. It has become bigger than community.

I see the tree tops from the window. Yellow, red and green. It is chilly this morning. Finally, it feels like fall. I am at ease.

My life isn’t so bad. it is actually really good. But the struggles here are triggered by other struggles. When I couldn’t stay at my best friend’s house because of all the animals and me losing breathe, everything seemed closed in. Not everyone could open their doors to me. But the right ones did. But going from couch to couch, digging through my bags over and over, made me think of my mami. She was without her own home for 10 years. Not out on the street, homeless. But going from house to house, cleaning and ironing for family and friends in exchange for a place to stay. Living like that for years until I sat her down and told her she needed to fill out paperwork for a Section 8 apt. She never wanted to live with me because I am queer and at that time I was only in relationships with women. So, she ended up with days here and months over there, I don’t know how her back took it.

I love my mami and she taught me a lot of good things like: her religion is helping people, don’t put dirty clothes with clean clothes even if it’s worn for just one hour and laugh until you can’t laugh no more. But she also didn’t and doesn’t know how to handle money and she serves so much that it has become an expectation. I was triggered being in NYC with no money from house to house made me think of the ways I don’t want to be like her but I got out of it quickly. Because of my family here. I can cry in a restaurant about my love moving to LA, I can complain of my stiffness and say over and over that it will all be ok. I felt safe. That is a blessing. It is not just because I am in Brooklyn, the home that I know can no longer be my home, it is because of the place my heart is in, feeling fullness and radiating light.

I am one of those people that nothing comes easy to them. Nothing. Well, except for when I first moved to the Bay Area, there was struggle but my first 6 months were so easy. God knew that if it wasn’t easy for such a big move I wouldn’t of changed in the ways that I did. But things comes never the less and everything is a learning lesson, right?

i perform this Saturday and next weekend, insha’Allah. Carrying my costumes on the subway will be, well interesting but I will be wearing them and sharing Amor Cubano and that is the important thing. After many dramatic phone calls to my sisters in California there is much light. I am glad my family has come all together.

the end.

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