If I can get through a month in Florida I could probably go on having a very happy life. This is what I think when driving through strip malls, new developments, trees and trees just planted. This is a swampland. With all the styrofoam use and no where to recycle the state will go under.
I realize that not having contact with the outside world is difficult. Not so difficult when I am in Cuba. Difficult in Florida where I do a tally of McCain/Palin posters verses Obama/Biden. More Obama than expected. But my papi says that at the end of the day most of the white people that say are gonna vote for Obama will end up voting for McCain because they won’t be able to vote for a Black man. I thought this was the South where white people at least admit to their racism. Hmmn.
I already want to go home. But I’ve been wanting to go since I left. I have to remind myself that being with my family in Florida is my challenge. I have to do this or else I will never have the opportunity again. If I can’t spend a whole month with them then that means I will never have a family of my own. I know I am a fatalist. But only on my period and when I am around my family. At least I know these things so you can actually laugh at me right now. I won’t mind.
But there is some truth to what I feel. I have been going through life trying to figure out why I am so messy in some areas. Why I have a hard time being in a committed relationship. Why I can be so loving and be so guarded all at the same time. I get triggered in the weirdest ways. Like when I get out of Arabic class I cry because of my parents’ failed marriage. What’s up with that? So, I figured I must come back to my family so I can really evaluate all my deepest fears and try to fix them. In one month! Ok, maybe heal them. Or at least start that process. But I think I have already started so I am way ahead of the game.
So, I grew up thinking that everyone has the possibility of giving me the evil eye. Which I still think is possible so there is part of me that doesn’t want to tell anyone what I want to do because they may end up being jealous of me and then I won’t be able to do what I want to do. I know I have more power but really people have misconceptions of my life. Like thinking that me taking this time off of work is because I have a glamorous life and can afford to do it. NO! I can’t. I sometimes think I am crazy for not really working for these past couple of months coz sometimes I eat yogurt and granola all day. But one day I got really depressed and watched “El Cantante” bad move, Hector Lavoe was really depressed and ended doing all these drugs and drinking. Thank God I do neither because I would end up like him. I am glad the music was good because after getting even more depressed after watching the movie I ended up dancing in my living room. Then ended up going out dancing that night and then got the message “RISK”. So, that is what I am doing but let me tell you I am not that good with risking. I could have done more stuff in NYC to help my work, I realize in hindsight but I already did so much and I was moving around dragging bags all over that I didn’t want to do more than what I was already doing. Ok, lesson learned. And now I am in Florida and it has become difficult for me to write but I gotta. Because if I don’t, I will write tons of blogs complaining about it and really I have better things to do. So, right now I am not gonna believe in the power of the evil eye, I will believe in my power and light and that the universe and God wants me to be happy so here are my goals:
Write for three- four hours a day starting Sunday, November 2nd.
Apply for one grant.
Apply for one theatre festival.
Study Arabic three times a week.
Go to the masjid for Jummah even if it’s in Tampa.
Be patient with my family.
Be patient with myself.
Open my heart more.
Help my family with laughter and light.
Remind myself that I can’t get closer to my purpose if I lay in bed all day.