Dripping River Water

Love

Mission Complete November 25, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 3:51 pm
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Last night I brought in a small frog.  She was so cute I wanted to keep her.  But I don’t think I could take her back to Cali with me and all my luggage.  I have two days left in Florida and with all my frustrations and all my complaining I am glad I was here for this long.

I was in Miami for a week.  For a week my mami made me cafe con leche, made my lunch, made my dinner.  Brought me water and Materva when I asked for it.  For a week I was spoiled.  There is part of me that wants to be taken care of and another that just wants to brush all of that away.  But I know that when I am home alone I am the one who does my own laundry, I do my own dishes, I scrub my own floors.  I prepare my spiritual baths and pray all alone.  With my mami it is different.  

I had a dream once.  Really a nightmare.  My gold bracelet that I haven’t taken off in years exploded.  My body trembled.  Something was happening inside.  A dark skinned Cuban man with a plaid flannel type shirt talked to me and told me to pray.  I prayed the Our Father, the only prayer I seem to have fully memorized.  I didn’t know anything in Spanish.  He told me, eres como una bruja prieta pero eres blanca.  When I woke up and called my mami she laughed because she knows how I can’t stand when people call me white.  He said, I am like a Black witch but I am white.  And when I couldn’t pray in Spanish he told me to ask my mami to pray for me because she has a lot of power.  She laughed at that as well because she never knew she was powerful.  I asked my mami to pray for me everyday and even though she can irritate me I felt safe in her small studio.  

We did not fight, mami and me.  We almost did but I cut it off right before it happened.  I told her that I know she raised me to be independent but sometimes I think I am way too independent.  She said, I didn’t raise you, you raised yourself.  And it’s true.  I raised myself so it has been difficult for me to really be part of my family.  It has taken me time away, time observing other families, time thinking that I actually want to create my own family, time in learning just to accept myself and others how they are.  Now I feel like a member of my family.  Not the black sheep.  Not the one that left.  I feel like me.

I drove back from Miami on Sunday and I thought I learned a lot about myself on this trip.  I now know that I can’t spend too much time away from my home.  Working and writing at the same time even if it kills me makes me more creative.  If I have too much time on my hands I will devote it to looking at my friends pages on Facebook.  

It would be nice to see my family more often but I don’t know if I could ever live in Florida because:

a) I have no friends here.

b)I could only live in Miami Beach

c)I told myself that the next time I move it will be with a partner (and I still don’t know what is going on with that)

d)people in Miami drive like maniacs and I spent half of my time cursing out people

But sometimes I think it would be nice.  But then I remember that I have to wear a mask to visit my godmother.  I have to put up with them meddling into my life.  I have to tell them that they can’t call my La Talibana.  Well only my godmother calls me that but that is frustrating.

I took my shahada and became Muslim while I was in NYC. It was expected and unexpected.  It has been a struggle for me for awhile.  When you come from a family like mine full of clairvoyants practicing rituals I didn’t know if I could be Muslim.  And then I have to remind myself that it has made feel complete.  I feel that my spirituality has come to a full circle.  I have felt a pull from my ancestors.  Here and there.  Here and there.  People have asked me how my family will react.  And they have reacted the same way I thought they would.  They were really happy for me.  They know that my spirituality will grow even more now, that I will have a bigger understanding of people, that I can be more of service.  I couldn’t of told them on the phone.  I couldn’t of told them with me being here for a few days.  My guard is down.  I am more open.

It is my papi’s birthday today.  Of course he is working.  I will try to have the house clean for him.  I have not lived with him since I was eleven.  And even though he subjects himself to watching this show from Miami that is obsessed with Cuba because he wants to know what they are thinking, I will miss TV time with my dad.  On commercial breaks we talk about politics and how the world can be a better place.  He brings me fried plantains from the restaurant and lets me drive his car full of gas.  My papi understands when I need quiet, when I need to get out of the house, he finally understands when not to give me a sermon and just listen.

In my apt in Oakland with new carpet and nice paint I will not have these family moments.  But I will have the moments in my mind, in my heart.  I have completed my mission here.  I survived a month in Florida. Wow.  Seriously I am about to cry because I didn’t know I could do it.  My brothers and me get along fine.  My nieces and I talk for hours together.  I am able to be open.  I am able to love and accept love.  I am able to stop conflict before it happens.  Ok, I still have to work on cursing out other drivers in Miami but at least I know I have to work on it.

In two days, insha’Allah I will be home.  New adventures to come.  Now I really know I can do anything.

the end.

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