I have writers block. I have heart block. I have reality blocks. I think sometimes I block myself.
I am trying, really. Trying to comprehend that there are things that are falling into place and things that fell out of place but I can’t lose my grip.
So I pray and I cry sometimes. I am really cautious who I tell that I am carrying a broken heart. I still haven’t encountered a friend that is as sensitive to break ups as I am. I mean people are sensitive to their own break ups but not so much to others. Or maybe I am just being bratty.
Having the gift to see sucks sometimes. I see so good but my timing is off. Like now. Or like it has been for the past two years. But I knew this break up(well, we haven’t had the official conversation yet) was coming because he moved and I didn’t move with him. I told him I would move anywhere in the world with him even Dubai. But he never asked. That day I cried because I knew he was leaving but I smiled full tears because I finally told him how I felt. I want to be his partner, create a beautiful relationship that fits us, I want to have children with him, get wrinkly and gray with him, I want us to love each other and support each other through the obstacles. He said I was focused and turned into a robot. In a moment of loss I was very proud of myself. I couldn’t let it go without telling the truth. In these past two years I have been trying to deal with my commitment issues, with being vulnerable, with risking.
He wrote me a note and tucked it underneath my covers that said,
You make me believe in the notion that men can’t live without women. I love u.
And every now and then I read that note and wonder…
I feel all over the place and no place at all. Even with my heart chipping off I know he brought me closer to God. No one has ever done that.
If you pray please pray for me. Pray that my heart feels light, that the angels whisper jokes in my ear, that the sadness leaves my eyes. I feel foolish asking for prayers because you know, I am not going hungry, I am not ill, I have a job or three or four.
My heart is heavy and needs help lifting.