My right hand has swirls and hearts and dots. I spent late last night painting henna and catching up on stories with my sisters. I fell asleep with smiles and woke up with my heart full. So far I think this has been the best breakup ever. I am not crying on my couch listening to every song that reminds me of him. I listen to his music and I am in awe with his special gift. I was honest and less guarded. I spoke with love. I have undoubtedly matured.
I keep on wondering if I am in survivor mode. If I am not feeling upset and just going on with my life because that is what I have done for the most part. Then when I really think about it, I know. I have found peace in myself and I am moving forward because that is what I am made to do.
Today was my first Eid al Adha. Eid Mubarak! When I thought I would have more money to go to Morocco and study Arabic I timed it so I can celebrate this Eid. For some reason this Eid was important to me. Even before I took my shahada, I knew I had to be part of it. I don’t understand all the words when we sing yet my heart swells and tears come to my eyes. I feel blessed to be learning, to be surrounded by light. I didn’t become Muslim for him. He is so open he would never ask that. But because I loved him I wanted to learn and with that learning came my closeness to God. The one thing I am sad about is that we didn’t get a chance to pray together. I guess that will happen in due time.
I see in myself how powerful faith, growth and change can be. I believe that everyone has the capacity to make changes in their lives to have a better foundation, to be happy. Everyone has their own path. It is important to find it if you haven’t stumbled upon it yet. I believe it all happens in due time. I am glad my time has been now. I am really aware of all the ways I need to keep on growing. Luckily I come from a family that has good genes and I may live past 100 like my abuela who is 106, like her brother who died at 115, like her uncle who died at 117. In this moment, I am present, everything is wide open.