More info after reading The blocks.
I put braids in my hair today.
I wondered if at 33 I could still get away with that. Put on my Adidas jacket and sneakers to match and walked down to lakeshore. I tried to be present but then remembered that I forgot my ATM card. I didn’t walk up the hill again I decided if all else fails and I can’t buy anything with my $20 I will just window shop.
I realized I was present when I looked at consumer objects. I saw all the oranges and blues and yellows. I looked at people, sometimes smiled, sometimes looked down. I was present. When I walked down the street I forgot to really look at the plants and flowers. I forgot to hear the cars hum, the birds chirping, the steps in my walk. Then I would remember and do it.
So, we had the talk and will no longer be together. Sad but true. We will be part of each others lives but I won’t smell his skin in the same way. I won’t kiss his lips, I won’t think about how good it feels to be held by him. Well, maybe I will think it but won’t do anything about it.
My heart will mend. I have grown with him and hopefully I will find a way to be more centered and committed with whomever that will be. I don’t jump from relationship to relationship. It used to take a long time for me to heal. Almost as long as the relationship, sometimes even longer. But I am hoping it won’t be that long. I don’t want to hear from friends that there are so many people that have a crush on me because no one tells me. I am babbling now and maybe I could just edit those last lines but I want to keep them. This is me when I am not so present.