It rained today. The sun tried to peak through. The greens and reds and yellows of the leaves were vibrant. Then it got cloudy and dark and cold. Cold for me. Cold for the Bay Area. Perhaps not cold for you.
My skin is dry. This is what happens on the west coast. I miss the humidity. I never thought I would miss the humidity. I wonder where else I can live that is humid and warm. In the US I only wanted to live in New York or California.
I bought into the propaganda.
I must admit that I have been in survivor’s mode. The way I handled this breakup and everything leading up to it was my best ever. I know that but my heart still hurts. I took care of Ruby the other day. I hadn’t seen her since before I left. She seemed to have grown in the two months I have been gone. Before I picked her up at school my heart started to beat fast and I made myself feel how much I missed her. She ran up to me giggling and gave me a big hug. Then she stepped away and looked at me. She hugged me again. I missed her so much. When I told her she said, “but Maceo I’m right here.” The girl makes too much sense. When we went out to eat with her sister she asked me about him. She asked me why I loved him for days and days and days. My heart splitting apart I told her he was special. She got all emotional and said she loved him, too.
On my Itunes shuffle his songs, the songs he gave me and every single love song I have keeps on playing. I am trying to listen to them. I am thinking this way the healing might be faster or maybe I just like to torture myself.
These past few months have been a turning point for me. I feel outside of myself. I don’t feel like myself. I am subdued. When I laugh hard I acknowledge it because I know those moments aren’t often. But I am trying. My sister says I am too hard on myself. I know, I know I am too hard on myself. I think a lot of us are.