Dripping River Water

Love

Yes to love December 22, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 6:40 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had three days of spiritual experiences.  In three different places.  Excuse me four.  Three days of everything coming into full circle.  This was the first in practicing everything I believed in.  I cried and teared in front of strangers all part of my community somehow.  I am starting to feel free.

I sat with my friends, my sisters drinking tea and catching up with our lives.  This is something we have not done all together for a long time.  One of them told me that she loves that I am comfortable in my own skin, that I have my own path and I lead it. I have felt so outside of my skin these past few weeks that it was comforting to hear that.  I feel more settled.  I feel more like myself.  There is an acceptance there, I know how I need to grow how I need to change.  Life is full of transitions.  This year has been a difficult one.  Not just for me but for many of us.  It is about growth.

Yesterday when I talked/ when my heart was so tight/ when I finally got to breathe/ I had to massage my heart.  It got lighter and lighter throughout the day.  I went to a retreat at a meditation center on Freeing my Heart.  My heart is getting there.  I think almost there for the moment.  Work still needs to be done.  I think my heart got a little too used to being closed.  It is guarded and open at the same time.  This does not work.

I give my love so much more freely to my friends, my family even to strangers.  To lovers, to partners I get scared and the guard goes up and I didn’t even know it.  I was always giving, yes, of my heart, no. 

We went to the ocean tonight.  I dressed in layers, watermelon and pennies in hand.  We stood holding each others hands in a circle.  Every moment is a blessing.  The ocean is as vast and deep as we are.  A beautiful moment.  I felt free.

I know that this coming year has to be different.  No more blocks.  No more guards.  This is what I will let go of, my guard.  This is what I will put away, the blocks.  I did not ask for anything but support.  I didn’t ask for a car, I didn’t ask for more money, I didn’t ask for a partner.  I only asked for God and the angels to support me when I try to find my guard, when I try to collect my blocks.  I feel free.

I also want to say yes more.  Yes to seeing friends.  Yes to going on more adventures.  Yes to receiving help.  Yes to the people that try to give me samples at the farmer’s market and whole foods.  Yes to love.

I will be off of the internet for the next month.  I will write, heal, write and rejuvenate.  May you be full, may you be peaceful, may you always experience your beauty, may you be gentle and kind to yourself.  May you say yes to love.

the end.

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5 Responses to “Yes to love”

  1. pavan Says:

    Gud 1 babe, i guess u must be a poet ….

  2. Kalimba Says:

    Thank you for your words as always and blessings for the coming year.

  3. Love , light and blessings to you. I feel it. We will grow more this year.

  4. Oh Maceo… May this be a year of peace and promises kept. I have been going through an intense fortnight as well, and it has cracked me open. Open for the light.

  5. Camille Says:

    My goodnes… I just read through days of your postings..so beautiful and full of life & hope..

    This post.. whew. hit me hard especially when you said this: “I think my heart got a little too used to being closed. It is guarded and open at the same time. This does not work.
    I give my love so much more freely to my friends, my family even to strangers. To lovers, to partners I get scared and the guard goes up and I didn’t even know it. I was always giving, yes, of my heart, no.

    My mom passed last march & my aunt ( her oldest sister 7 months later) 2008 hurt so bad but I learned so much.. I don’t know if I ever told you about the rocky relationship I had with my mom.. you know my nana raised me but I probably never got into the details of why..

    my heart has been broken since I was 6 months old & my mom decided she couldn’t really be a mom & my nana took over.. for the next 34 yrs, I wondered why I couldn’t let anyone in.. everyone though that they were my best friend in the world.. but deep inside.. I was holding & guarding my heart closely..

    I’ve only had 2 close female friends in my life.. women I loved like they were my blood.. and when they let me down as humans do.. I was devistated.. it hurt so bad that I decided to close up shop again.. and keep myself to myself..

    You know, I never think i’ve ever been “in love” with anyone.. I don’t even know what it means.. I hear people talk about it.. I see what Glamour & Elle say it is.. but I’ve never experienced it for myself..

    “Being in love” would mean that I would have to let someone “in”..give them access to the one thing I can control to keep people from hurting me… and I ain’t tryin to do that!!

    do you remember that kelly clarkson song “because of you” I always thought she was corney but the lyrics..
    “because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
    because of you i learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
    because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
    because of you i am afraid”

    because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
    because of you i don’t know how 2 let anyone else in
    because of you I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
    because of you i am afraid..

    This was my homage to my mother.. summed up everything that her leaving me/giving me up did to me.. how it fucked me up & made me afraid to take risks that involved my heart. I remember this dude tellin me ” baby, I don’t want to leave & break your heart” & I said “you can’t cuz it’s been broken” moms did that a looong time ago.

    Well.. I wasn’t tryin to give/get “real” love.. but like you.. my homegirl.. I decided that 2009 would be a new year.. a new start for this girl with the closed in heart.. losing my mom & my aunt so close together cracked it wide open anyway.. the grief was actually clensing.. I went to a place so dark & scary that when I came up.. I knew .. I had no choice but to try to be loved & give love.. for real for real.. not for fakesies like I’ve been doing all my life..

    I am soo scared but excited too.. me & the shrink have been working on this for ears so i feel prepared.. and even more important I know that God has a plan for me.. and a calling for me.. and I can’t do His will as long as I’m bound up all tight like this..

    I’m going to grieve, forgive & give honor to my mother by loving..

    I am so grateful that I navigated away from facebook & found my way to you.. writing this has been cleansing in a way you couldn’t imagine.. I haven’t seen you in 10 or more years but you’re still my girl.. full of wisdom.. kindness & the rough around the edges Brooklyn shit that I love!!
    -Camille


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