My toes curl up like my papi’s. I knew I had his feet. Not his toes. His socks were twisted. The first thing I did for him when I saw him in the hospital. I took off his socks and put them on right. I squeezed his toes and noticed they were like mine. Mine were like his.
Blood is thicker than water.
My oldest brother has become my best friend. We have talked more words in one weekend than we’ve had in our lifetime. We have both been turning gray for awhile now. There are thirteen years between us. Thirteen years of different experiences. I thought that we would get closer when I was in my twenties. I was not an adult in my twenties. Not one who can look at the bigger picture. Accept and be accepted. Truly love unconditionally. The latter is still a learning process especially since the heart is involved. I was an adult who lived by herself and paid the bills. I was responsible only to myself. No one else.
I was either on transportation or in the hospital this trip to Florida. I sat with little food in my belly watching my father sleep. In silence I realized that having two months off of work helped me be still. I was broke and didn’t do the other things I wanted to but I learned to be still. I was still sitting next to my father. I moved to gather up change to buy a honey bun in the vending machine. I waited for food to come hours later. Patience is needed when there is dependence. The next day I ate two steaks. One at my grandmother’s. One at my brother’s. Only with family will you eat two steaks in one day.
My father finally got out of the hospital yesterday. He is at my brother’s house. I wish I was there. I wish I wasn’t three thousand miles away. I wish I could be there to help him heal. In the hospital I reminded him to take deep breathes when he felt pain. We talked about attachment when he had to move rooms. We talked about death. Briefly. A family friend came by and said, don’t worry your dad is not going to die. He’s gonna die, I said. Maybe not because of his operation but he will die. We all die. My understanding of God and creation has made me even more practical.
My father is recovering. Stomach split open. Hole on the side with an attached bag. It is not for lifetime is my only solace. There are many lessons to learn with this. I am always learning.