I am the girl who looks for signs. The woman that is no longer a girl.
I feel like I am back in the place I was three years ago. My head clouded, not knowing what to do next. I remember going to a reading and Eleggua scolding me that I want to do too many things and I only have one life. Pick one. Just one.
Right now I don’t know which one that one is. When I started to write Amor Cubano: In a bottle, a tube and a small packet I envisioned it bigger than the words I was writing. I envisioned it long. For years. Barbarita on stage. Barbarita on screen. Barbarita with her one TV show. Barbarita seems to have walked away from me for awhile. Doesn’t matter that I bought her a new cheetah print dress. She is not gonna stick around while my head is clouded.
Then there is Jazmín and Kumari the screenplay I started writing. I really enjoy writing it. Their characters are coming to life even when I walk down the street. But I am not writing. Not sitting at the table as I am doing right now to write scenes and conversations.
What am I doing?
Then I met this mom that said I should write a the nanny’s guide for stay at home moms. I thought, oh that would make money. I can see the cover right now. Is this a sign? And then I was no longer excited about it coz I would have to interview all these nannies and who has time for that?
I am back at the same place again. And I saw Guillermo Gomez Peña and Marga Gomez walking down the street. Not together! Two writer/performance artists that I have always admired and I thought, that is a sign. Why am I not writing and performing right now? Then I realized Culture Clash was performing a the Brava Theatre in the Mission where I was and figured it wasn’t really a sign.
I can ask God to give me some signs but sometimes I don’t listen to the signs. I can be very bratty.
Maybe it’s time to really look for the signs and stop being bratty. Maybe then I will get more signs and actually do something. Not being productive is very boring.
Oh the Mondays.