Dripping River Water


waiting March 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 1:59 am
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There is a tree on Hearst that I like to pass by.  I fit right under it.  The tree covers me with its fragrance.  I wonder what type of tree it is.  The flowers small and white are similar to jasmine.  I walk back and forth under the tree.  I am on my tippy toes having the flowers caress my nose.  

A girl looked at me strange today.  It’s ok maybe I inspired her to smell the flowers.

It is finally spring and the flowers have been blooming for awhile.  The plants are just as confused as the people.  I hear the bugs are as well.  Poor bugs.  I walk for miles and miles all around Berkeley.  My mind drifts off to too many places and I realize I am bored.  I realize that something different and big is going to happen soon and I want it to happen right now!  Actually, I just want to know what it is.  I come from of family of diviners.  I can easily pick up the phone and ask someone to tell me what is going to happen next in my life.  I am trying not to do that.

I am in a moment of practicing patience.  I am trying to surrender to everything that happens.  I am trying to be content while making progress in my life.  I went to the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor last weekend and facilitated a writing workshop.  It was mostly on meditation and reflection.  I had a good group of people.  We were all smiles.  I was nervous beforehand.  I enjoy the performance of teaching but not everything else that comes with it.  This time I liked everything that came with it.  I was in total bliss facilitating this workshop.  I had such great feedback and good insight to make the workshop better.  I wanted to facilitate workshops all day long.  I forgot how joyful it is to share with others.  I forgot that my smile can make others smile.  I forgot for a minute there that my spiritual development is important for the work I need to do.  I am happiest in service.  If I can contribute just a little bit to make humanity better I know that I am doing my work in this world.

I talked to my dad yesterday and told all the things that I am thinking about.  Moving to LA, going to India for a residency, wanting to meet people so I can write for Ugly Betty, all this insha’Allah.  He was surprised which made me surprised.  He thought that since I am getting older I would settle down.  But I can have more opportunities in LA, I can work on my book in India, I can write for TV like I’ve always wanted ever since I was a kid if I made the right connections.  I told him that I am a late bloomer.  Actually, I always knew what I wanted I was too scared to do it.  I escaped in so many ways.  These past years I’ve been working on myself-hardcore.  I am not the same.  But of course the most work is still yet to come when I stop having commitment issues and settle down.  When I really become open to that.  I pretend I am open.  I think I would be more open if… I can’t tell you, that is way too honest.

I feel like my brother right now.  I used to call him and ask him what is happening in his life and he would tell me that he’s waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  I would get so frustrated because I felt he never took action in his life.  Right now I understand.  I feel like I am waiting, too.  As I wait I will smell the flowers.  Surrendering is peaceful.

the end.


One Response to “waiting”

  1. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
    Anais Nin

    I just remembered this when I read that you might settle down……. In many ways I too am like you. My biggest fear being that I’ll have to settle down- still stirring up a way so that I shouldn’t….

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