I’ve been having trouble writing. I start a blog and then conclude it’s too boring to publish. Only in my head do the stories begin. It’s like when I was a child and I would listen to classical music and wear a Queen Helene Mint Julep face mask. I used to lie or is it lay, I never know which one is right, on the couch and make up stories of little white girls dancing ballet in the forest.
My stories are different now.
I am in a period of surrender and learning. My mother has been trying to teach me the surrendering part my whole life. Every time I would say I was gonna do something she will finish off my sentence with Si Dios quiere, you know-God willing, Insha’Allah. Everytime. And every time I would have to repeat the same words but I didn’t believe in God’s will because I was hoping to will something myself for once in my life. But I have learned. Since the moment I have surrendered to God’s will I have been more productive. Since that moment I have only lived in the moment. I have been able to work on a to do list and make a plan but ultimately know that if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to be it is because there is something bigger and better that will happen, insha’Allah.
My mami tried to lay out this foundation for me but she was also not my greatest teacher. Everything stopped for when she got married and had kids. Her soul stopped. In her room she slept the days away. I am like her and unlike her. I did not get married and have children but my soul also stopped. My twenties were a blob. I am blooming again. I did for a quick second in my late teenage years and then…I am coming into myself again.
This means that I am accepting my uniqueness once again. Like why for that hot minute did I think I could ever support a traditional relationship? Ok it was a hot couple of years. But I am just way too independent to be with someone that wants to see me everyday or even talk to me everyday. Ok, maybe they may want to do those things but to act on it?! I would like a relationship like Frida and Diego minus all the sadness and drama. I mean, I would like a partner that has their own house and I have my own house and a bridge links our homes. So, I guess I would like a partner with lots of money or I got to get a book published fast and make it an international bestseller. Or maybe a partner that wants their own room. And that goes away from time to time. That is a much cheaper solution.
When you go into homes where couple are making babies and they have joint bank accounts and they seem to have things almost worked out you can only dream for the same thing. Then I remind myself that none of these people booked their own plane ticket to Florida at eight years old and flew by themselves just to get those airplane wing pins.
I had a revelation the other day or maybe it was just a reminder that I am not like everyone else. Like really. And no one is like anyone else. I am not the only one. I just needed to remember that my path is my path and it will never mimic anyone else’s. I then started being excited about being single and not dating anyone right now. I really don’t have time for that. I take care of three babies. I am taking three classes a week-including my new love flamenco. I am in two productions for June, insha’Allah. AND I am working out at the gym or running Lake Merritt. And there are moments of course that I feel strong love for my love. I do, I do really love him and in fact I am even more in love with him now than I ever was but I am well aware that we will never have the relationship that I would fantasize about because neither of us wants that. Why it took me so long to figure that one out is beyond me.
I wrote down a few things that i was gonna work on this year:
Seeing my friends more
Letting my guard down
and saying yes more (to good things)
I have been working on all three of them. I feel whole again and not that depressed blob from my twenties or even from a few months ago. I am not itching for a bigger relationship that I can’t even handle right now. I do have a crush. I sweet crush that I won’t write about but I HAD to mention it.
When I was little I wanted to be a professional dancer. My mami only let me go to one year of dancing school so I never developed as a dancer in that way. I wanted to start learning in my twenties but I thought I was too old. Now I am 33 and I am taking flamenco classes. I am expected to practice. I am expected to have better posture and learn all the footwork and one day the arm movements as well. I love this class! Because now I really want to work on being a flamenco dancer. It is different from any dancing I have ever done but my hands have been moving like a flamenco dancer ever since I was a kid. (it’s genetic.)
I am in my period of learning again. We learn till the day we leave this earth and I am figuring we may learn still in the afterlife. This period of learning is different because I am no longer insecure. I know that things may get tough but I got the support and I will struggle through. I don’t have to feel like I can’t raise my hand because I don’t understand a word or may mispronounce a word. Even in my achy body I am loving life right now. Every single moment I am in I just need to be present in each moment.
I am thankful to all my teachers and the all the ones that will come, iA. I am thankful that I saw the brightness in the lace flowers of my childhood’s bedroom curtains when I was depressed. That is what I stared at for hours knowing that if I could just get through the sadness my adult life would be better. And it is. Oh man, it is.
I leave you with my inspiration for the week.