I am thinking of selling my books. Selling my chairs, my altar tables, my pots and pans. I want to sell it all and be left with one suitcase, one box and the only furniture item I can’t live with out. The Barbarita chair. I want to sell everything and go to India and find my way back somehow. Or not. This is what I imagine in my mind. I would really embrace my nomadic roots. I will find other nomads and walk the earth, telling each other stories and whispering songs.
This is the dream that I know realistically only some of it can become my reality. The dreamer is the young part of me. The wiser me is beginning to feel comfortable in my skin, my flesh, my laugh, the way I see the world.
I went to my friend’s master’s graduation party. My friend drove. He was late. When people are late i end up taking self portraits with my MAC photobooth.
When I look at myself. I don’t just see wrinkles (really I have some), or the indentation of my cheekbones, or my grays to see that I am getting older. I look deep into my eyes and I see the brightness, the clarity that I now feel. There was a sad girl once that lived in this body. One that hated the hair on her arms, her laugh, the shortness of her legs. I love every bit of me right now. Even if I am annoyed that I got tattoos on my wrists coz I no longer want them. It will pass and I will accept them as moments in my history that I never want to forget.
I sat two days in a court house waiting for my name to be called so I could get out of jury duty. I waited with over sixty other people. In Hayward of all places. But that is where I was suppose to be. It was my lesson in patience, in surrendering. I felt that it was a waste of my time. Then I noticed that my body didn’t ache that much because I didn’t carry any babies these past two days. I was tired but was just able to sit and dream. I read my lines for a play and talked to the people next to me. I did not know anyone there! It was refreshing. I lost money but I guess I have to work a little more next month to get it all back. In this act I felt taken care of. Sitting for two days at the courthouse is boring but there are worse things, right?
I am driving to LA tomorrow, iA. This is an adventure I’ve been longing for. When I was five and I said I wanted to move to California I wasn’t meaning Oakland. I was meaning LA. So maybe just maybe this trip will inspire me to sell all my stuff except for some clothes, the chair, my spiritual books and get myself to India to write, meet people and fulfill a vision AND THEN make it back somehow to LA. Maybe, we’ll see, insha’Allah.