An angel came to me. She sat near the colorful ball pit in the kindergym at the Y. She was tired. Pregnant, her belly swollen like an enormous globe. She said she imagined people laughing at her on the street with her big belly. I thought she was beautiful. Her smile, her crows feet, the way she waddled when she walked. While watching her child play and the child that is really not my own play, we talked. About me, about her. It was a day, within a week, within a month, within a year that I was starting to feel my age. Starting to feel bad for not having my own child, or partner, or house in Berkeley with the nice garden. My heart broken. Some pieces seemed to have slipped into the ball pit. I showed her my vulnerability. Maybe because she was pregnant I needed that motherly love and someone to rub my back. She didn’t rub my back but reminded me that I was still really young. She had given birth to her first child at 36 and is awaiting the next at 39. She was an angel and angels just end up saying the nicest things. Like: Go to India, not for a month but for a few.
I only saw her a few times after that. I thought of her while walking the kids in the stroller. Thought of her giving birth and a new baby on her chest. I saw her husband the other day with their first child. He seemed to look at me as if he knew me and I wondered if he was an angel, too. I wanted to send a message to her and say: Thank you. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. Thank you for your tenderness. May life always be fulfilling for you.
My broken heart has mended so quickly.
I called my mother a few weeks ago and told her I am no longer in a hurry to have children. I am thinking more like 40. Forgetting that she had me at 38 she thought I was going out of mind. I reassured her by saying that Jennifer Lopez was 41 when she had her twins. Mami felt much better.
When I am open enough to accept the messages people give me I grow a little more. In all my exhaustion with work and all these artistic projects I feel so fulfilled that loving and being present in every moment is where it’s at. The only timeline I need to be on is my own. I forget that sometimes. Angels are good reminders.