Dripping River Water


April 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 5:55 pm

I sit at my kitchen table with orange tulips and iced café con leche.  I am writing but it all sounds so boring.  I read my manuscript and it seems immature.  The poetry lost.  Sometimes my writing is crap and I gotta deal with it.

I went on a hike yesterday.  Walked through the Oakland hills filled with patches of forget-me-nots.  The small creek actually had water.  We had to jump over it.  It was narrow not hard to jump but my stepdaughter was impressed that I was still able to do it.  I was as well.  My belly is getting bigger.  I rub cocoa butter on it hoping that I won’t get any stretch marks.  I read that I should sleep on my left side and only turn slowly when I must move.  Slowly is the only way I can move.  I’ve developed carpal tunnel but I refuse to stop writing and just wake up with pain once in awhile.  It hurts, severely, but I don’t mind it right now because it is a reminder of the days of my life that I haven’t had to feel pain.  I am grateful.

My life has changed so drastically, I am still getting used to it.  I am trying to figure out how to spend my days keeping up with the apt, taking naps and writing.  At night I make school lunches and go to sleep by 9:30pm.  My body aches to be on the dance floor but it is always past my bedtime.  I miss NYC daytime parties with really good djs in the park.  I am trying to learn how to play the conga which is probably not the best idea when I have carpal tunnel but I have the time and the patience right now.

Perhaps now I can go back to my crappy writing and make it better.  I feel like starting over again.  There are stories that i write over and over, they make me cry but I still write them.  I dream with them and wake up feeling them.  It’s hard to write about my life because I don’t want everything exposed so I don’t write enough and then I have to remind myself that I don’t have to please anyone.  I see why people love fiction so much there is part of the writer in it even if it’s not the whole truth.  When I finally got around to finishing my play it was in a moment that I just let myself be crazy.  I let that weird side of me come out that showed that I spent lots of time alone as kid imagining a life beyond my own.  I need to do that again.  There are movies that play in my head.  I am not in them I just narrate the story.

the end.


2 Responses to “”

  1. cameron hill Says:

    its always a pleasure reading your words…look into qigong exercises for carpal tunnel, they can help if not completely heal your carpal tunnel.

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