Her name is Azalea Paloma Noor. She lives in my womb. The night before last she woke me in the middle of the nights with her kicks. I felt them strong and I laughed. Not loud enough to wake up my husband and son each sleeping beside me.
I always knew that she was a girl and I picked out her name once my pregnancy was confirmed. I knew I was pregnant the moment she was conceived. I took three home pregnancy tests and they all said no, you’re not pregnant. But there is a craziness I feel when I get pregnant. My hormones are so wacked out I want to scream all day. I had to go to a clinic and finally the test said, yes, you’re pregnant.
We moved to a house and I forgot I was pregnant with all the unpacking I had to do. My son flamenco danced all over the house, enjoying the hardwood floors and the tremendous amount of space. We moved from a 1 bedroom apt to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, office, laundry room and a kitchen I could actually do some good cooking in. Alhamdullilah this is my first house ever. It even has a backyard.
I am fat again with a bigger belly than I need to have but my stomach muscles are weak. I keep on fantasizing about doing hours of Abs of Steel after giving birth and just eating lots of greens, quinoa and beans.
Azalea has her own song already; I sing to her when I am taking a shower. I hold my belly and rock to the melody. I sing it because I want her to know that I want to mother her for as long as I am allowed.
Last week in my second trimester ultrasound I found out that she has a heart problem. The next day I went to Children’s Hospital in Oakland and I learned she has a single ventricle heart defect. She moved around lots. Good sign. I loved hearing her heartbeat. I had no tears to shed because I cried profusely the day before. She has a good chance of surviving, inshaAllah. Will have to go through a few surgeries, inshaAllah. I can’t have her train to be a ninja. Sadness. But I will raise her to be a warrior princess, inshaAllah.
Lately I have found that I don’t have the strongest of wills. Old friends remind me of my strength and I wonder where has it gone to. This is not the time for me to fall apart or hide what I truly feel. I am being tested in such a great way but I still find comfort in being grateful for all I have been blessed with. Even this. Azalea is a blessing. She is the size of a banana and kicks like a soccer player.