I am counting the days now. My due date is the 25th. I wonder why I am counting since it may be more difficult when she is out of my my womb. Azalea does odd dance moves and her head makes pressure on my pelvic bone. I practice yoga before going to sleep; loosening my hips and lower back with each position. I am scared. I must be honest. I can’t fully remember my labor with Omar, just that it was long and I felt out of control. Almost two years later I feel less of a need to be in control. I know better now.
My friend’s heart is broken and I texted her yesterday to check-in. I know all about broken hearts. She was grateful I thought of her even though I am dealing with a lot of tests in my life. Tests? In that moment I did not feel tested. I was grateful to have that reminder. When I first found out about Azalea’s heart condition I felt tested. Now I feel at ease. I just want to be a good mother to her. That is one of my goals: to be a good mother. My life has changed so much. I still want to work on my book, I still want to perform but now I just want to feel the accomplishments of being a good mother. No one will write an article about that. That is ok. The newspaper clippings about my work are stuffed in a box in the closet. They do not come close to the smiles of my children when they feel my love and belief in them.
Ramadan is almost here, inshaAllah. I am sad that I won’t be surrounded by my friends during iftars. I am sad to not fast. It will be a different Ramadan for me but that is ok. Whatever it will be like is how it should be like. I am glad she will be born in a time when there is so much awakening and love surrounding her, inshaAllah. I am looking forward to meeting her whenever that will be.