Dripping River Water


Azalea Approaching July 20, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 12:44 am

I am counting the days now.  My due date is the 25th.  I wonder why I am counting since it may be more difficult when she is out of my my womb.  Azalea does odd dance moves and her head makes pressure on my pelvic bone.  I practice yoga before going to sleep; loosening my hips and lower back with each position.  I am scared.  I must be honest.  I can’t fully remember my labor with Omar, just that it was long and I felt out of control.  Almost two years later I feel less of a need to be in control.  I know better now.

My friend’s heart is broken and I texted her yesterday to check-in.  I know all about broken hearts.  She was grateful I thought of her even though I am dealing with a lot of tests in my life.  Tests?  In that moment I did not feel tested.  I was grateful to have that reminder.  When I first found out about Azalea’s heart condition I felt tested.  Now I feel at ease.  I just want to be a good mother to her.  That is one of my goals: to be a good mother.  My life has changed so much.  I still want to work on my book, I still want to perform but now I just want to feel the accomplishments of being a good mother.  No one will write an article about that.  That is ok.  The newspaper clippings about my work are stuffed in a box in the closet.  They do not come close to the smiles of my children when they feel my love and belief in them.

Ramadan is almost here, inshaAllah.  I am sad that I won’t be surrounded by my friends during iftars.  I am sad to not fast.  It will be a different Ramadan for me but that is ok.  Whatever it will be like is how it should be like.  I am glad she will be born in a time when there is so much awakening and love surrounding her, inshaAllah.  I am looking forward to meeting her whenever that will be.


the end.


Thoughts on Being a Mother July 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 10:27 pm
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The other day I thought of Coco Fusco.  I don’t know why.  I always liked her art although I couldn’t understand her book, English is Broken Here.  I was still grateful that someone was doing performance artistry and academia in such a beautiful way.  I could never be as smart as Coco Fusco but I do hope one day I could have her motivation and determination.  That is one thing I have realized while spending so many hours at home caring for my child: I let fear keep me from succeeding in ways that were possible for me.  Now I am a stay-at-home mother and I feel like I have to start all over again.  I can do that, inshaAllah.  You make a mistake and you start over.  It’s like riding a bike but I learned how to ride one when I was 30 years old.  Call me a late bloomer.  I don’t think I have blossomed yet.    I have planted my own seed this time, I am starting all over again and this time I will work harder than before, inshaAllah.

I take parenting seriously.  I am always thinking of ways I can cultivate my child to be the best person he can be.  I read an article about Coco Fusco’s parenting in this new website on motherhood called Mater Mea.  She stated this and I felt we were on the same page:

What kind of man do you hope your son becomes?

I want him to be a thoughtful person and a caring person, a moral and an ethical person who understands right and wrong and wants to do good in the world and treat people well. I also want him to be a person who’s happy with himself, who accepts himself as he is and accepts others as well. I think that’s really important. I don’t want him to be narrow minded; I want him to be an open-minded person. You know, we talk a lot about these kinds of things and I try to find ways to talk that he will understand.  -Coco Fusco

My friends came over and gave me a break yesterday.  Hana took Omar to visit her in-laws and Kathy took my stepdaughter, Ella, to the movies and back to her place to make almond milk.  They both brought me food.  I was and continue to be so grateful.  I have friends that really love me and support me.  I didn’t nap but watched a movie with my husband.  He took a break from tiling the bathroom and schoolwork to spend time with me.  I hope I could be as good to others as they are to me.  I hope that my children will demonstrate the same kindness and thoughtfulness that my friends and family display.

I have two more weeks to my due date.  I am glad it takes this long to have a baby.  I am finally at peace and looking forward to meeting my daughter.  I know that “my life will be on hold” for more years to give the best care for Azalea and Omar.  I sometimes struggle with that.  I feel not that intelligent, not that motivated. I feel very simple and not myself.  I feel bad about complaining because it may seem I am not grateful.  I want to give to my children but I also want them to see my strengths and I hope that will influence them to be good citizens in this world.  I know I can’t have it all at the same time.  Some things have to be sacrificed during certain points of my life because it is not just about me.  I am not aiming to just please myself nor sacrificing myself fully for others.  I want to think of what benefits everyone: myself, my family, my friends, my community, society-at-large.

There are moments that I feel alone but then I read articles and see my friends and laugh really loud and cry while I pray and I know I am not alone.


the end.