Dripping River Water

Love

Are you still a writer when you stop writing? August 1, 2013

Filed under: life,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 5:56 am
Tags:

A couple of months ago I started to have visions of a story. I wrote and the page came to life. I felt normal again or should I say I felt like myself again, my old self who wrote everything down and dreamed big. I took the kids to the babysitter; I took my computer to a cafe and I sat and wrote while I drank coffee and a ate bagel. It was just like the old days in Brooklyn. It was the first time I took the kids to the babysitter to write not to take one to a doctor’s appt, not to go to work, not to clean the house. I took them there to write and I wrote and then…my computer crashed.

I didn’t even cry.
I just stopped writing.

Am I still a writer since I don’t write anymore? I am not sure if this counts. It’s the first time I have written since my computer crashed two months ago. I know other writers have gone longer not writing but how does one go back to writing?

I will tell you the truth.
I am scared.

What if the words dance on the page again and there is a flow and something bad happens, even worse than a computer crashing?

What if I can’t produce anything?

What if I write junk and I think it is beautiful?

What if I just write?

I love being a mother. I just don’t know how to be a writer mama or a mama writer. Which one is better?

**********************************************************************
Before I went to grad school for writing I checked out other grad programs.
Social Work
Non-Profit Management
And probably something else extremely boring.

I was too scared to just do what I love to do: write.

Since I’ve become a mother I have considered other careers:
Copyediting
Baking
Hairstylist
Life Coach
Therapist for women with perinatal depression
Urban Farmer

Why don’t I just write?
What is wrong with me?

I am almost 40 and I am wondering how long I will struggle with this.

*********************************************************************

It is the holy month of Ramadan. For the past three years I have not fasted because I was 8 months pregnant with Omar, then I was breastfeeding Omar, then I gave birth to Azalea. I am still breastfeeding but I am fasting this year. It is humbling and wonderful and I love Ramadan. One of the things I love about Ramadan is that with 16 hours of fasting I have plenty of time to appreciate all that I have, all the gifts God has given me and my family, all the time I get to spend with my kids and less time thinking about myself in a negative way. Sometimes I fail and when I do I pick up the Qur’an and there is always something to read that will remind me of what is important.

It feels like I have been working on myself for my whole life and I have just realized that I will probably die working on myself. That in itself is a blessing and that I am able to write about is even a bigger one.

I guess I just answered some of my questions.

the end.

 

My warrior princess March 15, 2012

Filed under: life,love,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 9:51 pm
Tags: , , ,

Her name is Azalea Paloma Noor.  She lives in my womb.  The night before last she woke me in the middle of the nights with her kicks.  I felt them strong and I laughed.  Not loud enough to wake up my husband and son each sleeping beside me.

I always knew that she was a girl and I picked out her name once my pregnancy was confirmed.  I knew I was pregnant the moment she was conceived.  I took three home pregnancy tests and they all said no, you’re not pregnant.  But there is a craziness I feel when I get pregnant.  My hormones are so wacked out I want to scream all day.  I had to go to a clinic and finally the test said, yes, you’re pregnant.

We moved to a house and I forgot I was pregnant with all the unpacking I had to do.  My son flamenco danced all over the house, enjoying the hardwood floors and the tremendous amount of space.  We moved from a 1 bedroom apt to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, office, laundry room and a kitchen I could actually do some good cooking in.  Alhamdullilah this is my first house ever.  It even has a backyard.

I am fat again with a bigger belly than I need to have but my stomach muscles are weak.  I keep on fantasizing about doing hours of Abs of Steel after giving birth and just eating lots of greens, quinoa and beans.

Azalea has her own song already; I sing to her when I am taking a shower.  I hold my belly and rock to the melody.  I sing it because I want her to know that I want to mother her for as long as I am allowed.

Last week in my second trimester ultrasound I found out that she has a heart problem.  The next day I went to Children’s Hospital in Oakland and I learned she has a single ventricle heart defect.  She moved around lots.  Good sign.  I loved hearing her heartbeat.  I had no tears to shed because I cried profusely the day before.  She has a good chance of surviving, inshaAllah.  Will have to go through a few surgeries, inshaAllah.  I can’t have her train to be a ninja.  Sadness.  But  I will raise her to be a warrior princess, inshaAllah.

Lately I have found that I don’t have the strongest of wills.  Old friends remind me of my strength and I wonder where has it gone to.  This is not the time for me to fall apart or hide what I truly feel.  I am being tested in such a great way but I still find comfort in being grateful for all I have been blessed with.  Even this.  Azalea is a blessing.  She is the size of a banana and kicks like a soccer player.

the end

 

What Luke said October 27, 2010

Filed under: life,religion,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 5:58 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

There is a table in the lobby.  It is long and wooden positioned right below a big mirror.  There people leave things they no longer want: old fax machines, magazines, sneakers, books.  I am the resident manager and this leaving of things annoys me only when no one takes it.  I am left to throw away these items.  Things that could have easily been given as a donation, somewhere else, not in the lobby of my building.  There was a pocket sized New Testament once.  I picked it up.  This is a book I couldn’t throw out, I couldn’t leave it on the sidewalk, I couldn’t give it to a random person.  I had to keep it and for a year it lived between my Moroccan Arabic Phrasebook and El diccionario de sinonimos y antonimos bought in Venezuela when I was there in 1996.

My son is now 5 weeks old.  He has lived his days between arms of those who love him.  I have only been away from him minutes at a time, missing him and calling my mami to see how he is doing.  Yesterday I went for a walk with my friend.  I left my mami with 5 ozs of my milk.  I gave her instructions and hoped that it wouldn’t be too hard for either of them.  The sun was out.  Its rays hit my toes.  There was a chill in shady areas.  I was afraid to catch a cold.  I thought of myself confined in my bedroom pumping milk, sweating and sick, not able to see my son.

We went to Arizmendi.  I was treated to pizza and a root beer sitting outside.  I watched the beautiful people of Oakland pass by.  I saw the mamas pushing the strollers or carrying their babies on their backs.  I saw the dogs.  The endless amount of dogs take over the sidewalk.  I wondered if my skin would darken sitting outside of Arizmendi.  I have been home for weeks looking out the living room windows at the trees and the birds.  The root beer was good.  It became my new favorite.  There on the table was the cap.  It had writing.  In the inside it read, Luke 1:37.  I thought the root beer bottling was more hipster than religious.  Or maybe it was both.

For the past five weeks I have only written in my head.  I write books and plays while I nurse my son in his sleep.  I wish that the words would leave my mind and walk unto the page.  Any page.  Somewhere else.  But the words don’t.  They are locked away and I wonder if I will be able to write.  Then I read stories of writers who have shared similar nights.  Perhaps not nursing their sons but still in bed writing words on the walls with their pupils.

For the past five weeks I have begun learning what it is to be a mother.  I have learned what it is to remain still, to be totally dependent.  There is a scar above my bikini line.  It is black and sometimes it is sore.  All throughout my pregnancy I was pleased not to have any stretch marks.  Instead I got a scar where they pulled my baby out.  That scar reminds me of my imperfections and my failures.

I wonder sometimes why I couldn’t give birth at home.  Sometimes I have a hard time completing things.  The end is always so hard.  I go through my over fifty hours of labor at home and four days in the hospital.  I try to figure out what exactly went wrong.  I know everything is God’s will but somehow I feel at a loss.   I wonder if somewhere in back of my mind I was too scared to finish the job.  I couldn’t give birth naturally in a birthing tub, in my kitchen because it meant I actually had to complete something.  I needed help.  Like heavy drugs to soothe me, to make me relax, to actually fall asleep.  I went to the hospital, a place I still don’t want to give birth in again.  They helped me.  I had sweet nurses who gave me more pillows and filled my water bottle.  I knew that with a touch of button someone would be at my side.  So the whole time I had to not be upset.  I had to take everything in stride because I had my baby in my arms.  And if I got frustrated at the nurses constantly coming in and asking me the same questions, at them grabbing my breasts without asking me anything to see if my milk was coming out, at my son being picked up all hours of the night to be weighed, I would have made it worse for myself and I would have been ungrateful.  I still have to write about that.  All of that.  But I am afraid that it will make me cry.

On my bedside table there is a tube of Barq’s root beer lip balm.  I don’t like that root beer but I like the taste on my lips.  I put it on last night before getting into bed.  Then I remembered.  Luke 1:37.  I went to the living room to the shelf where the pocket size New testament lived.  I took it into bed.  My husband perplexed.  I have not read the Qur’an in weeks and here I was with the Bible.  I opened it to Luke right away.  There I read: “For with God nothing will be impossible.”

Sighs and smiles.

the end.

 

The complexities: believing in Barack Obama July 2, 2008

Filed under: Barack Obama,Cuba,democrats,love,religion,Uncategorized,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 9:10 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I was at a barbecue a few weeks ago and my friend was complimented on her lip gloss. She said somethings like, yeah its my new Mac lip gloss and I’m pissed coz I just found out that they support Israel. And I stated, and so does Barack Obama and we’re still voting for him. There were head nods.

This is where the complexities lie. When you understand that you will never agree with everything an individual does or believes in.

I believe in Barack Obama, in his work, in his message, in what will come. As any individual, he is not perfect, he is not a savior, he is a person with goodness and faults. So, when I read the NY Times article, Muslim Voters detect a Snub from Obama. I couldn’t help but feel slighted and upset. I couldn’t help but take it to heart and the caregiver that I am, I wanted to reach out to Barack Obama and tell him, hey, this is what you need to do.

I went to Miami in February to visit my family. The talks shifted from Fidel to Barack and Hilary. I was proud of my family for supporting him. On my way there I picked up his book, Dreams of My Father, and was delved into his world in Hawaii, Indonesia, college and Chicago. I was interested in how he spoke about Islam. I was thankful when he spoke so openly about his family and religion. I understood him not being Muslim but his openness that Islam is part of his lineage. He went to both Catholic and Islamic schools in Indonesia and had the same apprehension to both. I laughed reading these passages because it sounded like me in Catholic school. Reading his book I found it so energizing that here was a man that spent some time growing up overseas. He had a direct relationship with immigration and having family in some other place. Here was a man that could be our president that had at least a basic understanding to another religion besides Christianity. I was proud of him for keeping his name.

Then I read in the NY Times article that he hasn’t visited a mosque yet but has gone to countless churches and synagogues. I am not sure what presidential candidate has gone into a mosque to speak so this is not surprising. BUT we are also talking about Barack Obama who sends out a message of hope and change. And even though he wasn’t raised Muslim and even though he is Christian he still has a relationship to Islam because his family does and I don’t care if they are in Kenya.

All over the internet there are lies spread by the right wing about Barack Obama’s life. And I wonder what is the best way to fight. The campaign talks about being open but when you keep on saying that Barack Obama isn’t Muslim, Barack Obama isn’t Muslim, Barack Obama isn’t Muslim, has never been Muslim and is Christian, it sounds like there’s something wrong with being Muslim. I think about, who made these decisions? Who decided to come up with these tactics? If the campaign is about change then this needs to change.

It reminds me of one of my first trips to Cuba. When you couldn’t say anything wrong about Fidel. When you did people would say oh, he doesn’t know about the problems. It’s the people who work with him that are the problem not Fidel. I am not comparing Obama to Fidel but I do bring it up because I don’t want to fall into the trap of not questioning or critiquing a leader because he is so great in some areas.

I want Barack Obama to be my president because I think that he can help shift the course that this country’s leadership has been on. He can not do it alone. I know that he must battle the personal and the political everyday. That he must fight for his integrity and to always make the right decisions. I know it ain’t easy. and I am invested in Barack Obama and how I am invested in other people in my life I must say, Barack, man, listen, you know who you are. You know what campaign you want to lead, you know who you are dealing with. There are more of us then there are of them. Remember that. They may have more money and they may have awful tactics but you got heart and blessings. Hope, change, unity means everyone. I pray that you hear me.

the end.

 

An Open Letter to Cuban-Americans June 22, 2008

I come to you with an open heart knowing that what binds us is being Cuban and American. Having those two things in common we also have many differences. It is 2008, our families and ourselves have been immigrating to this country for decades now. We have come before the Cuban Revolution with a family history in the tobacco industry, right at the start of the Cuban Revolution leaving everything behind, on Peter Pan, for economic reasons, for political reasons, en el Mariel, on balsas, on planes and crossing borders illegally. Some of us haven’t even been to Cuba. Our status in the United States also varies from economics, education, gender identity, politics, race, sexuality and spiritual beliefs. We all don’t fit into one category. We are just as diverse as humanity. We all may not agree and we are not afraid to show it but when the end of the day comes we must accept and celebrate our differences.

I come to you with an open heart to ask you to vote for Barack Obama in this coming presidential election. Change needs to happen in this country and Barack Obama can help facilitate that change. He can not do it alone and he doesn’t want to. He wants us to be part of the political process. I have always lived on the hyphen not knowing which identity to dangle on: Cuban or American. I am thirty-two now and have resolved many of my identity issues. I know that I am a unique mixture of both. Not every Cuban-American is the same. The United States is my home and it is here that I must work to bring about change. I write this letter with an open heart because I believe that you can also be part of the change this country needs by supporting Barack Obama.

There are many reasons why I believe that Barack Obama should be president of the United States. I will highlight a few.

1-He’s a good person. Maybe you are surprised that being a good person is on the top of my list for who should be president of the United States. Eight years of George W Bush has led many residents and citizens of the United States to mistrust our government. Barack Obama comes from a hard working family like many of us do. He has struggled to get a good education and uses his knowledge and experience to help others. He is an excellent father and husband. He labors for his community. He believes in the unity of the American people.

2-He is invested in the education of young people. Not all of us have the opportunity to a good education. There are children in this country that are learning in overcrowded classrooms with underpaid teachers who don’t understand them. There are young people who drop out of high school and end up on the streets, a low end job or in jail. There are young people that still don’t know how to read. My parents struggled financially but they managed to send me to Catholic school. Not that it was the best education but it kept me in school and I am thankful for that. There are children whose only option is the public education school system that is failing them.

Barack Obama plans to expand the early childhood education by supporting parents, expand Head Start and provide high quality childcare to working families. He plans to reform the failing No Child Left Behind Act, make math and science a priority, he will fund schools to implement better programs and education to lessen the high school drop out crisis.

“Obama will Create the American Opportunity Tax Credit: Obama will make college affordable for all Americans by creating a new American Opportunity Tax Credit. This universal and fully refundable credit will ensure that the first $4,000 of a college education is completely free for most Americans, and will cover two-thirds the cost of tuition at the average public college or university and make community college tuition completely free for most students. Obama will also ensure that the tax credit is available to families at the time of enrollment by using prior year’s tax data to deliver the credit when tuition is due.”

I have $100,000 worth of college loans to pay. That’s a done deal I have to pay it. I don’t want another person to struggle to get an education in this country. I want our people to have the opportunity to finish high school, get a college education, get a masters degree, get a PhD, become a lawyer, a doctor, an architect. I want us all to have that opportunity and so does Barack Obama.

3-Barack Obama will bring the troops home. I don’t agree with the war in Iraq. It has killed many lives and destroyed families. It has affected people living In Iraq and people living in the United States. The war that should have never started must end. The only way to help Iraq is for the United States to leave. He will implement programs to help the 2 million Iraqi refugees and the other 2 million who are displaced in their own countries. By leaving he will give Iraqis the opportunity to heal and reconstruct their government and lives on their own terms.

4-Barack Obama will strengthen our civil rights. Too many of us are subjected to discrimination because of our skin color, our accents, our race and ethnicity.

“Obama will work to overturn the Supreme Court’s recent ruling that curtails racial minorities’ and women’s ability to challenge pay discrimination. Obama will also pass the Fair Pay Act to ensure that women receive equal pay for equal work and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity or expression.”

He will end racial profiling in federal law agencies and implement programs and incentives to state and local agencies to also end racial profiling.

5- Obama will make healthcare available to everyone. My father was a baker and he developed asthma because of his work. He always stressed the importance of healthcare because it was a necessity to him. I try to eat well, excercise, I don’t smoke or drink so I am pretty healthy. But I need new glasses, I had to pay out of pocket to fix my teeth. I don’t have healthcare because I have chosen to eat instead of paying for health insurance. Not all of us have the opportunity to access good healthcare in the country. Barack Obama will make available a national healthcare plan that serves all Americans. He will also make it mandatory for children to be insured and young people up to 25 years old to stay on their parents’ insurance.

6-Barack Obama will change policies towards Cuba. Now this is where I might hit your soft spot but remember I come to you with an open heart. We have all been affected by the embargo on Cuba. All Cubans, on and off the island. It has been over 40 years that the United States has not had a relationship with Cuba. This hasn’t been the best tactic. My parents came here in the 70s. The Cuban government did not want them to go back. They said if you leave it will be forever. My parents took that risk because they didn’t want my brother to go without milk. My father wanted to aventurar. My mother couldn’t take to stand in one more cola and worry that she will get arrested for buying meat en la calle.

When a group of Cuban-Americans had secret talks with Fidel Castro that led to him opening up the country to exiles my parents went back. So, did I for the first time. I was born in Brooklyn, New York but I didn’t learn English until I started kindergarten. I went to Cuba at ages three and five believing that I was just Cuban. There I was called la yanqui. I remember being five and mad at Fidel for not letting us go back sooner. It has always been a back and forth between both countries. Sometimes it’s Cuba sometimes it is the US. There are many of us that remember the 5 minute phone calls that we made to our families in Cuba through Canada that cost $40. We remember that we couldn’t send money. We remember the telegrams, the letters in international envelopes, the stories our parents told us about how they grew up in Cuba. I was filled with these stories growing up and I also had memories of my own. One of my brothers was raised in Cuba and I had my abuelas, tias, tios and primos to think about.

Cuba has always been in my heart, its sugar runs through my veins. I go back to Cuba as often as I can. My family buys clothes all year long to send to our family in Cuba when someone goes back. We send packages of medicine, letters filled with love. We can now write to each other over email. I call mi primo on his cell phone. I have dreams that I am at my Tia’s house for a long weekend. I want to see my family more frequently. I also want them to come here.

I write to you with an open heart to say that US policies on Cuba does not work. There has been no change just frustration. Opening relations with Cuba will not give the Cuban government more power it will just let them be. We may not agree with the Cuban government but its their government. We left and have to make our homes here. En Cuba people say, No es facil. Its true Cuba can be very difficult but the US government continue to impose sanctions that hurt the Cuban people doesn’t make their lives any easier.

I wish Barack Obama would have stuck with his first plan to lift the sanctions on Cuba. He changed his stance and that happens. We are allowed to change our minds. He does want to lift travel restrictions. We need the opportunity to go back to Cuba freely. Every American should be given that right. As Cuban-Americans we can no longer dream of a Cuba from before. The past will never come back. There is still beauty and life in Cuba. We need to experience that. Every time I am in Cuba I realize how American I am. Every time I am in Cuba I wish I could be closer. I wish I could feel the salt from the ocean on my skin, hear the Cuban sounds in heartbeats. I wish there wasn’t a barrier for me being Cuban.

Barack Obama also wants to have a dialogue with Raul Castro. Some of us do not want this to happen unless Cuba agrees to change. But how can change happen without a dialogue? How can we really force people to change? Change comes from within. It does not come from outside forces. Just think of the little things that weren’t working for you. Did you change them because someone ignored you, yelled at you, gave you an ultimatum? Or did you change because you knew for yourself it would be the best thing for you?

In the United States people are going hungry, children aren’t in school, people are left to choose crime over a low end job. Thousands of young people are choosing the military because they can’t afford college. Gas prices are so high I wish I didn’t have una madre que tenia dolor de los nervios that couldn’t teach me how to ride a bike. Change needs to happen in this country. Barack Obama as president will facilitate that change. You can be part of that change. We must invest in our lives and the lives of the future generations. Our families came to this country for opportunity. We came because we believed in the American dream. Sometimes it feels like a nightmare. I don’t want my reality to be a dream or a nightmare. I want to go to sleep at the end of the day and feel that my life is rich. Not economically but spiritually. Part of this richness is to serve and bringing change to the country will fulfill that.

Mi gente, I do write to you with a open heart and I ask for you to question, to research, to not believe the propaganda against Barack Obama and find out what is really going on. I ask you to go to Barack Obama’s website and read more on his issues: I ask that you support Barack Obama and tell others why they should too. Read his books go on YouTube and watch his speeches. I ask you to open your hearts as well. Please vote for Barack Obama.

I pray that you will always be filled with light, that your hearts are swollen with love, that your souls are lifted and your minds at ease.

Gracias.

con mucho amor cubano,
Maceo Cabrera Estevez

 

All quotes are taken from the Issues section of the Barack Obama website: http://www.barackobama.com

 

our purpose May 29, 2008

Filed under: love,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 2:07 pm
Tags: , ,

We all have a purpose here.  Our biggest goal should be to live out that purpose.  Not to make the biggest paycheck or have the freshist rims.  You can have those things but what’s the use of having material things when you are empty inside?  Why have the latest car and the fancy house and the trips to resorts when we are not living our purpose?  To live out your purpose is to truly love yourself.  

If we all found love and happiness within ourselves then we can give love and happiness to others.  Then we can be nicer to each other.  Then we can stop judging or being jealous.  We can congratulate each other for doing our life work.  If we took risks and truly listened to our hearts we can make our lives better and then the world would be a better place.

God didn’t let us go from heaven for no reason.

the end. 

 

 

you inspire savorings May 13, 2008

Filed under: love,poetry,sensual,writing — Maceo Cabrera Estevez @ 12:27 am
Tags: , , ,

your lips taste like
oshun scented honey

i dance for you
in golds
dripping river water

you sit
by saffron pear trees 
wating for me
to feed you

© 2007 Maceo Cabrera Estévez