The other day I thought of Coco Fusco. I don’t know why. I always liked her art although I couldn’t understand her book, English is Broken Here. I was still grateful that someone was doing performance artistry and academia in such a beautiful way. I could never be as smart as Coco Fusco but I do hope one day I could have her motivation and determination. That is one thing I have realized while spending so many hours at home caring for my child: I let fear keep me from succeeding in ways that were possible for me. Now I am a stay-at-home mother and I feel like I have to start all over again. I can do that, inshaAllah. You make a mistake and you start over. It’s like riding a bike but I learned how to ride one when I was 30 years old. Call me a late bloomer. I don’t think I have blossomed yet. I have planted my own seed this time, I am starting all over again and this time I will work harder than before, inshaAllah.
I take parenting seriously. I am always thinking of ways I can cultivate my child to be the best person he can be. I read an article about Coco Fusco’s parenting in this new website on motherhood called Mater Mea. She stated this and I felt we were on the same page:
What kind of man do you hope your son becomes?
I want him to be a thoughtful person and a caring person, a moral and an ethical person who understands right and wrong and wants to do good in the world and treat people well. I also want him to be a person who’s happy with himself, who accepts himself as he is and accepts others as well. I think that’s really important. I don’t want him to be narrow minded; I want him to be an open-minded person. You know, we talk a lot about these kinds of things and I try to find ways to talk that he will understand. -Coco Fusco
My friends came over and gave me a break yesterday. Hana took Omar to visit her in-laws and Kathy took my stepdaughter, Ella, to the movies and back to her place to make almond milk. They both brought me food. I was and continue to be so grateful. I have friends that really love me and support me. I didn’t nap but watched a movie with my husband. He took a break from tiling the bathroom and schoolwork to spend time with me. I hope I could be as good to others as they are to me. I hope that my children will demonstrate the same kindness and thoughtfulness that my friends and family display.
I have two more weeks to my due date. I am glad it takes this long to have a baby. I am finally at peace and looking forward to meeting my daughter. I know that “my life will be on hold” for more years to give the best care for Azalea and Omar. I sometimes struggle with that. I feel not that intelligent, not that motivated. I feel very simple and not myself. I feel bad about complaining because it may seem I am not grateful. I want to give to my children but I also want them to see my strengths and I hope that will influence them to be good citizens in this world. I know I can’t have it all at the same time. Some things have to be sacrificed during certain points of my life because it is not just about me. I am not aiming to just please myself nor sacrificing myself fully for others. I want to think of what benefits everyone: myself, my family, my friends, my community, society-at-large.
There are moments that I feel alone but then I read articles and see my friends and laugh really loud and cry while I pray and I know I am not alone.