A couple of months ago I started to have visions of a story. I wrote and the page came to life. I felt normal again or should I say I felt like myself again, my old self who wrote everything down and dreamed big. I took the kids to the babysitter; I took my computer to a cafe and I sat and wrote while I drank coffee and a ate bagel. It was just like the old days in Brooklyn. It was the first time I took the kids to the babysitter to write not to take one to a doctor’s appt, not to go to work, not to clean the house. I took them there to write and I wrote and then…my computer crashed.
I didn’t even cry.
I just stopped writing.
Am I still a writer since I don’t write anymore? I am not sure if this counts. It’s the first time I have written since my computer crashed two months ago. I know other writers have gone longer not writing but how does one go back to writing?
I will tell you the truth.
I am scared.
What if the words dance on the page again and there is a flow and something bad happens, even worse than a computer crashing?
What if I can’t produce anything?
What if I write junk and I think it is beautiful?
What if I just write?
I love being a mother. I just don’t know how to be a writer mama or a mama writer. Which one is better?
**********************************************************************
Before I went to grad school for writing I checked out other grad programs.
Social Work
Non-Profit Management
And probably something else extremely boring.
I was too scared to just do what I love to do: write.
Since I’ve become a mother I have considered other careers:
Copyediting
Baking
Hairstylist
Life Coach
Therapist for women with perinatal depression
Urban Farmer
Why don’t I just write?
What is wrong with me?
I am almost 40 and I am wondering how long I will struggle with this.
*********************************************************************
It is the holy month of Ramadan. For the past three years I have not fasted because I was 8 months pregnant with Omar, then I was breastfeeding Omar, then I gave birth to Azalea. I am still breastfeeding but I am fasting this year. It is humbling and wonderful and I love Ramadan. One of the things I love about Ramadan is that with 16 hours of fasting I have plenty of time to appreciate all that I have, all the gifts God has given me and my family, all the time I get to spend with my kids and less time thinking about myself in a negative way. Sometimes I fail and when I do I pick up the Qur’an and there is always something to read that will remind me of what is important.
It feels like I have been working on myself for my whole life and I have just realized that I will probably die working on myself. That in itself is a blessing and that I am able to write about is even a bigger one.
I guess I just answered some of my questions.
the end.
Dripping River Water 