Yes to love December 22, 2008

I’ve had three days of spiritual experiences.  In three different places.  Excuse me four.  Three days of everything coming into full circle.  This was the first in practicing everything I believed in.  I cried and teared in front of strangers all part of my community somehow.  I am starting to feel free.

I sat with my friends, my sisters drinking tea and catching up with our lives.  This is something we have not done all together for a long time.  One of them told me that she loves that I am comfortable in my own skin, that I have my own path and I lead it. I have felt so outside of my skin these past few weeks that it was comforting to hear that.  I feel more settled.  I feel more like myself.  There is an acceptance there, I know how I need to grow how I need to change.  Life is full of transitions.  This year has been a difficult one.  Not just for me but for many of us.  It is about growth.

Yesterday when I talked/ when my heart was so tight/ when I finally got to breathe/ I had to massage my heart.  It got lighter and lighter throughout the day.  I went to a retreat at a meditation center on Freeing my Heart.  My heart is getting there.  I think almost there for the moment.  Work still needs to be done.  I think my heart got a little too used to being closed.  It is guarded and open at the same time.  This does not work.

I give my love so much more freely to my friends, my family even to strangers.  To lovers, to partners I get scared and the guard goes up and I didn’t even know it.  I was always giving, yes, of my heart, no. 

We went to the ocean tonight.  I dressed in layers, watermelon and pennies in hand.  We stood holding each others hands in a circle.  Every moment is a blessing.  The ocean is as vast and deep as we are.  A beautiful moment.  I felt free.

I know that this coming year has to be different.  No more blocks.  No more guards.  This is what I will let go of, my guard.  This is what I will put away, the blocks.  I did not ask for anything but support.  I didn’t ask for a car, I didn’t ask for more money, I didn’t ask for a partner.  I only asked for God and the angels to support me when I try to find my guard, when I try to collect my blocks.  I feel free.

I also want to say yes more.  Yes to seeing friends.  Yes to going on more adventures.  Yes to receiving help.  Yes to the people that try to give me samples at the farmer’s market and whole foods.  Yes to love.

I will be off of the internet for the next month.  I will write, heal, write and rejuvenate.  May you be full, may you be peaceful, may you always experience your beauty, may you be gentle and kind to yourself.  May you say yes to love.

the end.

the dramatics December 15, 2008

I woke up this morning and reread my blog.  I can be so dramatic.  I only say that a- because it’s true but b- when I woke up yesterday morning and wanted to write and didn’t have a chance to I was really happy and uplifted.  Perhaps it was the weather, perhaps I had too much time to think, who knows.  So, this is my second attempt.

I hear the birds chirping.  The sun is bright.  I slept for a long time.  It takes me awhile to recover from going out.  On Saturday I made orange rosemary roasted chicken with quinoa, garbanzos and pomegranate.  It was so yummy I was even impressed.  I was with my sisters.  We browsed through pictures, laughed loud and hard, helped each other with makeup, took an almost extreme amount of pics on my Mac Photobooth and went out dancing to a Stevie Wonder party in San Francisco.

We danced and danced and danced.  It was so crowded.  So, so crowded that I wished that they would have this party more than once a year.  But it didn’t matter that long hair whipped my face.  I was dancing, dancing to Stevie, with my sisters in my heart it could have been all night long.

There was the older, older, older man that I chose to dance with coz he seemed so happy dancing.  I wondered if he was reminiscing moments when he might have heard Stevie live.  But then in those two minutes he seemed to have fallen in love with me, kissed my head and wanted to whisper in my ear that I had to go away.  There was our bodyguard.  He must have been 6’8 he just stood there.  I must have reached his belly.  I am 4’11 and 1/2!   He slowly moved his hips around.  So slow you could hardly tell but I wondered why he was there in the middle of the dance floor, he looked bored.  I think he was shy. Meadow got bored with him and we moved to another part of the dance floor.  But before that there was a church like dancing song.  One like the ones that were forbidden.  The ones that people danced to in the outskirts late at night.  I saw myself with a teal and black cotton dress with ruffles.  My hair in a bun, a hat with feathers, even a purse to match.  We danced and danced.  In my mind it was hot and humid, dancing outside where the almost full moon was bright, near a swamp, dancing on wooden planks, moonshine around but of course I wasn’t drinking it.   This guy wanted us to shake our hands while we danced. We did and we laughed and shook our hands and hips more.  Then we moved.   It was no longer hot and humid just back in the space we were in.   We danced around smiley people but who can not help but smile when a new Stevie song came on.  I danced with this guy, who just wanted to dance.  Not to touch me, not to whisper in my ear, just to dance and I smiled even more.

Then they played the song that Stevie always sings to me.

We realized that in our thirties we can’t stay out till 4am like we did when we were younger.  We drove back, my ears didn’t ring, my heart was full somehow I was still smiling.

An espiritista once told me that I have to go out dancing at least once a month.  I pick up so much from others and sometimes get down with my own life that dancing is my release.  I sometimes forget that.  Dancing in my living room isn’t enough sometimes.  I went to bed happy and woke up fulfilled.  I was easy on myself I knew i could get through this journey.  I was full of love.  

Ok, that was the blog I intended to write.  Not the one about my broken heart.  Not the one about me being sad and dramatic.  But you know I AM Cuban and I grew up on those melodramatic Spanish love songs that people are ripping their hearts out their chest and I just saw Rachel is Getting Married and The Savages.  That might not explain it all but I just wanted to give you some background.

The end.

Subdued

It rained today.  The sun tried to peak through.  The greens and reds and yellows of the leaves were vibrant.  Then it got cloudy and dark and cold.  Cold for me.  Cold for the Bay Area.  Perhaps not cold for you.

My skin is dry.  This is what happens on the west coast.  I miss the humidity.  I never thought I would miss the humidity.  I wonder where else I can live that is humid and warm.  In the US I only wanted to live in New York or California.  

I bought into the propaganda.

I must admit that I have been in survivor’s mode.  The way I handled this breakup and everything leading up to it was my best ever.  I know that but my heart still hurts.  I took care of Ruby the other day.  I hadn’t seen her since before I left.  She seemed to have grown in the two months I have been gone.  Before I picked her up at school my heart started to beat fast and I made myself feel how much I missed her.  She ran up to me giggling and gave me a big hug.  Then she stepped away and looked at me.  She hugged me again.  I missed her so much.  When I told her she said, “but Maceo I’m right here.”  The girl makes too much sense.  When we went out to eat with her sister she asked me about him.  She asked me why I loved him for days and days and days.  My heart splitting apart I told her he was special.  She got all emotional and said she loved him, too.

On my Itunes shuffle his songs, the songs he gave me and every single love song I have keeps on playing.  I am trying to listen to them.  I am thinking this way the healing might be faster or maybe I just like to torture myself.

These past few months have been a turning point for me.  I feel outside of myself.  I don’t feel like myself.  I am subdued.  When I laugh hard I acknowledge it because I know those moments aren’t often.  But I am trying.  My sister says I am too hard on myself.  I know, I know I am too hard on myself.  I think a lot of us are.

the end.

Reflections on presence December 8, 2008

My right hand has swirls and hearts and dots.  I spent late last night painting henna and catching up on stories with my sisters.  I fell asleep with smiles and woke up with my heart full.  So far I think this has been the best breakup ever.  I am not crying on my couch listening to every song that reminds me of him.  I listen to his music and I am in awe with his special gift.  I was honest and less guarded.  I spoke with love.  I have undoubtedly matured.  

I keep on wondering if I am in survivor mode.  If I am not feeling upset and just going on with my life because that is what I have done for the most part.  Then when I really think about it, I know.  I have found peace in myself and I am moving forward because that is what I am made to do.

Today was my first Eid al Adha.  Eid Mubarak!  When I thought I would have more money to go to Morocco and study Arabic I timed it so I can celebrate this Eid.  For some reason this Eid was important to me.  Even before I took my shahada, I knew I  had to be part of it.  I don’t understand all the words when we sing yet my heart  swells and tears come to my eyes.  I feel blessed to be learning, to be surrounded by light.  I didn’t become Muslim for him.  He is so open he would never ask that.  But because I loved him I wanted to learn and with that learning came my closeness to God.  The one thing I am sad about is that we didn’t get a chance to pray together.  I guess that will happen in due time.

I see in myself how powerful faith, growth and change can be.  I believe that everyone has the capacity to make changes in their lives to have a better foundation, to be happy.  Everyone has their own path.  It is important to find it if you haven’t stumbled upon it yet.  I believe it all happens in due time.  I am glad my time has been now.  I am really aware of all the ways I need to keep on growing.  Luckily I come from a family that has good genes and I may live past 100 like my abuela who is 106, like her brother who died at 115, like her uncle who died at 117.  In this moment, I am present, everything is wide open.

the end.

sad but true

More info after reading The blocks.

I put braids in my hair today.

 I wondered if at 33 I could still get away with that.  Put on my Adidas jacket and sneakers to match and walked down to lakeshore.  I tried to be present but then remembered that I forgot my ATM card.  I didn’t walk up the hill again I decided if all else fails and I can’t buy anything with my $20 I will just window shop.  

I realized I was present when I looked at consumer objects.  I saw all the oranges and blues and yellows.  I looked at people, sometimes smiled, sometimes looked down.  I was present.  When I walked down the street I forgot to really look at the plants and flowers.  I forgot to hear the cars hum, the birds chirping, the steps in my walk.  Then I would remember and do it.

So, we had the talk and will no longer be together.  Sad but true.  We will be part of each others lives but I won’t smell his skin in the same way.  I won’t kiss his lips, I won’t think about how good it feels to be held by him.  Well, maybe I will think it but won’t do anything about it.

My heart will mend.  I have grown with him and hopefully I will find a way to be more centered and committed with whomever that will be.  I don’t jump from relationship to relationship.  It used to take a long time for me to heal.  Almost as long as the relationship, sometimes even longer.  But I am hoping it won’t be that long.  I don’t want to hear from friends that there are so many people that have a crush on me because no one tells me.  I am babbling now and maybe I could just edit those last lines but I want to keep them.  This is me when I am not so present.

the end.

the blocks December 7, 2008

I have writers block.  I have heart block.  I have reality blocks.  I think sometimes I block myself.

I am trying, really.  Trying to comprehend that there are things that are falling into place and things that fell out of place but I can’t lose my grip.

So I pray and I cry sometimes.  I am really cautious who I tell that I am carrying a broken heart.  I still haven’t encountered a friend that is as sensitive to break ups as I am.  I mean people are sensitive to their own break ups but not so much to others.  Or maybe I am just being bratty.  

Having the gift to see sucks sometimes.  I see so good but my timing is off.  Like now.  Or like it has been for the past two years.  But I knew this break up(well, we haven’t had the official conversation yet) was coming because he moved and I didn’t move with him.  I told him I would move anywhere in the world with him even Dubai.  But he never asked.  That day I cried because I knew he was leaving but I smiled full tears because I finally told him how I felt. I want to be his partner, create a beautiful relationship that fits us, I want to have children with him, get wrinkly and gray with him, I want us to love each other and support each other through the obstacles.  He said I was focused and turned into a robot.  In a moment of loss I was very proud of myself.  I couldn’t let it go without telling the truth.  In these past two years I have been trying to deal with my commitment issues, with being vulnerable, with risking.  

He wrote me a note and tucked it underneath my covers that said,

“M,

You make me believe in the notion that men can’t live without women.  I love u.

A”

And every now and then I read that note and wonder…

I feel all over the place and no place at all.  Even with my heart chipping off I know he brought me closer to God.  No one has ever done that.

If you pray please pray for me.  Pray that my heart feels light, that the angels whisper jokes in my ear, that the sadness leaves my eyes.  I feel foolish asking for prayers because you know, I am not going hungry, I am not ill, I have a job or three or four.  

My heart is heavy and needs help lifting. 

the end.

in the moment December 3, 2008

It took me two hours to get home yesterday from work.  I did not wear socks.  I wore my new cute black and purple shoes with flecks of gold on them.  I rode the bus, two buses, I waited, waited too long.  And the whole time I was trying not to get mad, trying not to feel sorry for myself.  I was trying to be present and just take it, just take everything good or bad.  Then I got home and looked at the map and realized that it took me two hours when work is only 3.3 miles away.  I still tried not to get mad, tried not to feel sorry for myself.

There is a lesson to learn in all of this.  This is what I told the lawyer I work for.  Today my roommate drove me to work.  Almost killed me driving through a stop sign but still drove me to work.  My new employer drove me home.  So, I figure that getting driven around was making up for all that time spent waiting for the bus in the cold.

This trying to be present and mindful and conscious thing is pretty difficult.  But I am getting there.  I hope.  I am going through a huge transition right now.  Things are moving.  I may cry because some things might move away.  I may be scared and happy because things are moving my direction.

My friend told me she read this article about this American woman who met a guy in Thailand, also American, and wanted to stay with him.  She came back to the states broke up with her boyfriend stopped being a lawyer and married the new guy.  They raised their kids all over the world and was able to do this because they were both travel/food writers.  She thought of me.  That my family would be similar to that family and every now and then I would send her a postcard.  When I was a kid I envisioned that I would raise a family all over.  I used to see myself on a horse in the desert and my son taking a break from riding and playing around as we rode on.  I used to see that.  But I told her I can’t see any of that now because all I am trying to do is be present.

the end.